As a dedicated IT professional on-the-go I can tell you that losing my laptop would be like losing one of my hands. Fortunately, today I can guarantee the former will only happen in the event of the latter.

If you've ever wanted to raise the undue suspicion of your friendly neighbourhood gestapo or encourage the local thugs to downgrade from pistols to safer weapons (like rusty machetes!) you've probably considered getting a stylish metal attaché with handcuffs, just like in the movies. Like you, I think movies are sweet.

I bought a dark, gunmetal-looking electroplated brushed aluminum attaché and ordered a custom set of 24" Chicago handcuffs. I went for 24" because I figured they should be long enough that taking a dump with them on would be comfortable.

I decided to take this a wee bit further and ensure that once my hand is chopped off and the briefcase penetrated our friends will have to bugger up the goods (or at least significantly reduce its resale value) to get it out. Just my little way of saying "As if you took my hand off. Fuck you." It will be difficult to do so personally whilst in agony.

Many laptops and all sorts of devices have what is called a Kensington Security Slot. Basically it's a metal bar securely affixed to or a part of the chassis which allows compatible locks to physically secure the device with cables, etc. I use a white-label subnotebook which lacks this feature. Fortunately for those of us who do there are also VGA-port and single screw "universal" locks on the market. I'm particularly fond of the VGA port lock because removing the lock would cause immense stress on my laptop's mobo and certainly ruin the VGA port both functionally and aesthetically.

To bake this cake, you will need:

Drill your holes, using the security cable's mounting bracket as a template:

Make sure the rivet heads pass through:

Clamp the bracket down nice and tight before you pop the rivets:

The second rivet actually broke my rivet gun. Or the gun is crap - I'm not entirely sure which is to blame. It literally pulled the nozzle out of its fitting, stripping the threads bare along the way. I had another gun handy (I'm good like that :D) but the pin refused to pop. Not thinking too clearly on this one I wiggled it to try and break the pin off and ended up denting my beautiful beefcase!

At least everything went as planned on the inside:

Up next: installing a proximity alarm and pointers for preserving a recently severed appendage.


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